Wishing You a Spooktacular Halloween.

Fangtastic Halloween Jokes

Enjoy these spooktacular jokes. I love 5th grade humor. Maybe it's more like 2nd grade humor. Whatever.

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite...

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite...

Why do witches use brooms to fly?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...

How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
With scare spray...

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck...

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately...

Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don't have any body to go out with...

What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
Booberries...

What is a vampire's favorite sport?
Casketball...

What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving...

What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?
Shrinkenstein...

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer...

The Best (early) Birthday Gift

Dennis was sweet enough to plan a special trip for us this past weekend. We drove up to Asheville, NC and stayed at the Biltmore Inn (picture above) Saturday night after touring the Biltmore House (castle). It was great to get away and I'm not usually one to enjoy driving (or riding) in the car, but the trees were so pretty and the little towns were really too cute to not enjoy myself. Plus, I was with good company. (Yes, go ahead and gag or whatever you need to do but it was a really romantic and fun trip.)

If you are ever in need of an escape from the chaos in Atlanta, I would highly reccomend going to Asheville. You just have to take me with you.

A Scary Sight (pre-Halloween)

As Summer fades into Fall and we start to put on more clothing than we did in the previous months, it is important to note that one of the best parts of this transition is that people no longer wear Crocs. A lot of people wear these ugly things. I'm sure you've seen them. Probably stuck on an escalator or somewhere like that.

And I can't figure out why so many people wear them. I heard that these people even pay money for them.

Since I'm a fashion expert, I was appauled at what I noticed online today:

"They're baaaacccckkkkk".

Tagged

I don't usually participate in these things, but I was officially tagged by Katie, so I will give this a shot. As per the tagging guidelines, I am supposed to share 7 things that are weird or that y'all don't know about me. So, sit back and enjoy.

1. I love the smell of gasoline. When I was growing up, I was constantly asking my parents how I could have the smell of gas around me all of the time. Little did they know, I was going to marry Dennis and my problem would be taken care of.... (only kidding!)

2. In college, I applied to, and was accepted to participate on the show Change of Heart. I did not end up participating because the idea behind the game show is that you and your current boyfriend/girlfriend go on the game show, go on a date with someone else, and then either keep your current boyfriend/girlfriend or go for the new love of your life (that you just met). If you go with the new person, you have a "change of heart". For the game show to work, you have to live near where they are filming in case you meet the new love of your life...you need to both live close so you can continue on your road to happiness.

3. I was the last one out of all of my high school friends to drink alcohol. I was afraid to drink because I thought that I would get out of control and cut my hair. Talk about morals!

4. I got my worst grades in band in junior high school. I played the saxophone and hated being in parades with those silly cumberbun's and other band-y things. I often couldn't memorize the whole song so I would just pretend to play and keep walking... Kinda like when you are singing in the choir and move your mouth as if to say, "marshmallow...watermelon", so that no one can tell you aren't singing with everyone else. I mean, we all did that, right??

5. I often call Dennis "baby goat balls". Previously I called him "baby goat" or "goat balls" and one morning I was not very awake and called him "baby goat balls". We both fell over laughing.

6. Y'all already know that I have an appetite for weird things. I like to eat ICING (by itself). When I ate cereal in college, I mixed it with Diet Sprinte instead of milk. The first night that I met Dennis (& the Elon gang), Katie asked me what I like to eat. I told her, "Chicken. Chicken in the morning. Chicken for lunch. And chicken for dinner." Some things never change.

7. I applied to Steak and Shake for my first job. I didn't even show up for the first day of training because I found out that I would have to wear a bow tie!

8. (BONUS) I have always wanted to have a pie throwing contest! Y'know, put whipped cream in a pie shell and throw it at each other!

Ok, there are the most exciting 7 random things about me! I hope you were entertained.

Please leave a comment with 5-7 of your weirdest attributes. I am officially tagging Maya, Meimi, Dennis, and Josh. Please do it! There are starving kids in Africa!

I'll have a Philly Cheesesteak, please

The Rocky theme song was playing in my head as our plane landed in Philadelphia on Sunday afternoon. I am in Philadelphia (well, Chadds Ford, to be exact) for a sure-to-be EXCITING week of meetings. Yessss.

The last time I was in Philadelphia was in 2004, right after Dennis and I were married. (I know, I know, it seems like JUST YESTERDAY that you were in Columbia Missouri for the most fun wedding EVER.) We moved in together, got married, bought a new car, and then I lost my job. Then my sister moved in for what seemed like 10 months. Then I got a job with GlaxoSmithKline. I was excited but it meant weeks of training in town ("homestudy") and then 3.5 weeks of grueling training and testing in...guess where? PHILADELPHIA! It was super stressful and I am so glad that I never have to do it again.

I know you are wondering if I ran up the stairs at the courthouse (??) and put my arms in the air like Rocky and I am proud to say that yes, yes, I did. I was definitely the first person to ever do that.

So, anyway, all of this to say that it is crazy to think about all of things that have changed since I was here about 4 years ago. Dennis has since made sure that I have seen all of the Rocky movies. The best one is with the Russian fighter dude.

You can tell from the pictures that we were younger (weird). Dennis came to Philadelphia to visit me on one weekend and it was the one thing that kept me sane during that training. I hated spending my birthday away from him...so he fixed that for me.

Yes, this is a random post without a real story but WHATEVER!

Barackonomics

I was thinking about this post this morning and after I read Josh's blog, I am a little more riled up. As this election is drawing the attention of many people who previously never voted or even cared about politics, it is increasingly clear that the followers of Obama tend not to focus on the facts but more so on the "promise" and "charisma" of this man. HELLO: He's terrifying! Since when are we so afraid of being politically correct that we neglect to look at the facts and figures, the flawed economic plans, the friendly relationships that the candidate held in the past - and still continues to hold - with terrorists and others that HATE America (and have voiced disdain for WHITE people, too), the "memoir" that details his strongly held marxist and communist beliefs, and most notably, his talk about "redistributing wealth"? Excuse me, but WTF? Where is that in the Constitution or Bill of Rights? Wait...it's no where to be found and that is because it is NOT THE ROLE OF GOVERNMENT.

But then again, those measley little documents don't really matter to "The One".

For those of you who still think that it is good to "take from the rich and give to the poor", let's look at a very simple example of Barackonomics:

John goes to school and earns an A on his exam. He studied very hard and is extremely proud of his work.

Jeremy goes to the same school but didn't really feel like studying, he earned a C on his exam, like the majority of the other kids.

The teacher, Mr. Barack, decides that everyone should get the same thing so he gives everyone in the class the same grade ---- a C+. It's the only fair thing to do.

Tell me, puh-leez, how this motivates John to continue to work hard and study for his exams in the future if he's going to end up with the same thing as the kids who didn't work as hard? And, what motivation do Jeremy and his classmates have to study harder next time when they actually ended up with a better grade than they deserved? The kids in this school just received a lesson in Barackonomics. Work hard, it'll get taken away and given to those who don't work as hard. Don't work hard, and you'll be taken care of by your government. That's redistribution of wealth, folks. A vote for Obama is a vote for mediocricity (at best).

Luvs Diapers

A Luvs diaper commercial just aired and its tag line was to "say no to expensive diapers". Dennis looked over at me and said that NO MATTER WHAT we will not spend a lot of money on diapers. Afterall, they are only used for one (or two, if you want to be specific) thing - - and there is no need to spend a lot on that.

I laughed and said, "our kids will need THE MOST expensive diapers, I am sure. They will most definitely have sensitive asses and will require special diapers. THE most expensive ones available. We'll probably have to special order them." That's just the way our world works.

And, so, folks, there you have it: Dennis & Krista's children will have, among other things, sensitive asses.

Britorama

Where will you be on November 30th?



Dennis and I will be right in front of the boob-tube.

30 before 30

I came across an article listing the 30 things a woman should know how to do before she turns 30 and since I was impressed with the amount of things on this list that I can do (almost 30, but not quite), I wanted to share it with you. And, while we're talking all things 30, I guess I should point out that I am closing in on less than 30 days until I am officially 3 DECADES OLD.

Ah-hem. Here's the list:

1. Hard boil an egg (I am sure that I can do this, just haven't tried)
2. Diplomatically tell Mom to butt-out (Dennis would say that I haven't mastered this one)
3. Ace a job interview (Easy-squeezy-lemon-peezy)
4. Ask a man out (I was doing that in elementary school!)
5. Send a thoughtful thank you note (I am pretty much the queen of good thank you notes)
6. Listen to a friend in need
7. Ask for help
8. Effectively end an unhealthy relationship (romantic or platonic in nature)
9. Beautifully wrap a gift
10. Say “no” gracefully
11. Whip up a great dinner with the five items in her fridge (Yes, this is on my list of things to work on...)
12. Forget pleasing him, by 30 a woman should be able to tell her man exactly how to please her 13. Sew a button
14. Mix a kick-ass cocktail (Does a margarita count? What about a vodka & diet coke?)
15. Take off her bra without removing her shirt
16. Apply lip gloss in the dark
17. Balance her checkbook (if we still used one...does anyone still use a checkbook?)
18. Create a budget (HELLO - I heart Excel!)
19. Find the best deal
20. Negotiate a salary and/or pay raise (That's why I left my last job...)
21. Read a map (Does using my Garmin count?)
22. Hail a cab
23. Say something in French just for the hell of it (pardon my French...)
24. Apologize when she’s wrong (but what if I'm always right?)
25. Dress for her body type
26. Change a flat (or know whom to call to come change it) (I know who to call - DENNIS....)
27. Spot a fake (handbag, diamond, potential friend…) (Not so good at this one.)
28. Feign interest (huh?)
29. Know what to tip on a $25 dinner bill
30. Hold a baby (Hey, someone you know is bound to have one sooner or later)

A similar list exists for our male counterparts. This is one time I'm glad that I'm a female because their list looks a bit harder.

Top (or bottom) 3

As I was reading (and drooling) over the article about Leo (and yes, we are on a first name basis) and how he is looking for love and marriage (hello: ME!) I asked Dennis who his Top 3 would be. As I anticipated, he selected Jessica Biel, Rachel McAdams, Jennifer Aniston, and me (of course). I then asked the next logical question: Who are the bottom 3? Who are the three people you would never, ever lock lips with (even for a bazillion dollars)?

And here is who he came up with:

1. Jocelyn Wildenstein

2. Rosie O'Donnell

3. Janet Reno

My list is equally as unimpressive:

1. Carrot Top. (Does he even have a real name?)

2. Michael Jackson

3. Janet Reno

How do your list(s) compare? Can you guess who your spouse would choose?

A Great Weekend

How do you measure a fun weekend? Apparently you can measure a lifetime by the number of laughs, or the number of minutes...or something like that. While I may not know exactly how to measure a lifetime, I do know how I am going to measure a great weekend: by the number of times that I get to eat icing.

On Friday afternoon, Dennis asked what I wanted for dinner and my response was this: "Too bad they don't make ice cream WITH icing in it. That would definitely be my favorite. And it would be a top seller, I'm sure." He went to the grocery store to pick up a few things and brought home a container of Betty Crocker vanilla icing. Yesss. He is my favorite person in the world. We'll count that as serving number one.

Then, on Saturday, we went to Dennis' parents house to celebrate his mom's 60th birthday. It was a surprise party for her and she really enjoyed it. While I did really enjoy the company, what I enjoyed most was Stephens Cherry Loaf cake. AND THE ICING.

We were sent home with a few slices of the cake, so to start off the day in the most healthy way possible, Dennis and I each had a piece of cake for breakfast. We're up to 3 servings of icing already! This has to be a record!

You are never going to believe what I am about to say next...you may want to sit down. We are going over to Trish's for a birthday celebration tonight and I know that she is an icing connoisseur, like me, so we are definitely going to get to have yet another serving of cake and ICING! I CAN'T WAIT!

Using this new (and incredibly scientific) methodology to measure "fun-ness", it is safe to say that we had an amazing weekend. Fo sheezy!

And, most importantly, this has to be a world record. Someone puhleez call the Guiness Book of World Records. Four servings of icing in one weekend.

I might have to take Monday off just to regroup from all of the excitement (and to recover from the inevitable sugar hangover).

Yo Mama

I wanted to offer up some really profound, deep thoughts for everyone today. And this is what I came up with. Sorry.

Yo mama so stupid... she puts cheese by her computer to feed the mouse.

Yo mama is so fat... she went to KFC and asked for the bucket on the roof.

Your mama so stupid... that when Judge Judy said "Order"! She said "Fries and a coke please".

Yo mama's so bald... Mr. Clean got jealous.

The question is not IF I omitted any good Yo Mama jokes but rather which good ones did I omit?