Ok, so I'm still sort-of pregnant. Since I had a miscarriage in May, I have been going in to have my blood drawn once a week to see what my "pregnancy level" is and to see when we can move on and focus on trying again. I guess your pregnancy test has to be a 0 for you to pass GO and collect $200. So, my pregnancy test has been coming back lower and lower - which is good, but not good enough. My test came back at 7,000 the first part of June and has gone down by almost half each week. I'm now down to 267. If we keep going down by 50%, this could take forever. And, since I'm the most patient person in the world, I am really excited about how s-l-o-w-l-y my body is working to get to 0. I wanted to pass GO yesterday! I won't even take the $200! Just get to 0!!
Once my tests come back like they should, it will still be several months before we can try another round of IVF. It's amazing how much of a detailed process it is when getting ready for a 2nd round of IVF. I thought that if IVF didn't work, you just waited a few weeks and tried again. Nope. Apparently you have to wait at least several months to maybe move forward.
I have tried not to post too much about our baby-making challenges, but it's pretty much all that I can think about every day...every minute. It's always on my mind so I made the official decision that it's OK for me to write about it as much as I want to. It's therapeutic in a way, too. And, people don't have to read it if they don't want to. It's that simple.
Since I obviously fail to focus on many (or any) things outside of this, I am constantly trying to convince myself that it's OK and that things will work out well for us. I know that they will, but it's really hard to go through all of this and then see people get pregnant without even thinking about it. It's not fair and it's really hard. That statement may seem to suggest that I believe life is fair but believe me, I know better than that. I guess it would make me feel better to think that there is some magical scorebook out there keeping track of who gets breaks and who doesn't and then makes sure that everyone ends up with an even score over time. I think we'd be due a break - or 20. It's no fun to feel like you keep trying and putting so much effort into the game, only to find out someone else won a long time ago without putting forth any energy.
Starting a family is in no way a game, but I do feel like Dennis and I should be ready to cash in our chips or have a break come our way. Despite how this post seems, I really do try to be positive and to look on the bright side of things. I really do. But, at this particular point, I am tired. I'm tired of trying and I'm tired of thinking about this. I'm tired of dreaming and praying so hard that we will get pregnant. I'm tired of going to doctor appointments every week. I'm tired of getting stressed about how much all of this stuff costs. I'm tired of pretending to be all smiles when I am feeling just the opposite. I'm tired of talking about it. I just want to pass GO.